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(Dis)Order In Court

Here's something from an email I received recently which managed to tickle my funny bone. Seriously, if these people can become lawyers, I think I can be the next President of the USA...



These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_______________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?

________________________________________________


--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law...

________________________________________________



Now somebody tell me why am I studying IT again??


Anyhow written on Oct 20, 2009 at 3:50 AM

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Bored In School

Time now is 1.50PM. I've been stoning around in school for about 1 hour and 20 minutes so far. And yet I still have another 2 hours or so to kill before heading over to the dance studio to help out with the junior classes.


Current Status: Dying of boredom,


And the worst part is that this entire cycle will repeat itself for at least another 8 weeks or so. 8.30am morning lectures suck. Getting up in time for morning lectures suck even more. Even with such an entertaining lecturer as my Maths lecturer, I still managed to almost fall asleep during the lecture.


Someone save me from the endless 4 hour breaks and sleepy lectures that are stillt o come in the following months.


=============


Current Status: I think I'm going blind


My eyes are failing on me. Everything is getting blurry even at close distances and these eyes of mine get tired and fatigued so easily. I was diagnosed with mild astigmatism about half a year back but I think it ain't 'mild' anymore.


I feel as though I'm turning into a vampire with a ghastly fear of sunlight. My trusty sunglasses have become a must when stepping out of home in the mornings or afternoons.


I wanna go for lasik to cure my eyes of these irritating symptoms but I don't have the money to do so. Any kind souls out there willing to sponsor me a lasik surgery? I promise I'll be a good boy after that.


=============


Current Status: I really really really really need to change my phone.


It is proven. Having the same phone for more than 2 years is not a good idea. Firstly, you kinda get bored of the phone and seeing all your other friends switch to touchscreen phones with cool games and applications doesn't help this cause one bit.


Secondly, due to this fact, phones these days are designed with the notion that it will not be used for more than 2 years. And hence the battery and hardware kinda have a lifespan of 2 years too. Take my phone for example. Leaving the house with a fully overnight charged phone, a friend calls me on the MRT. Yadah yadah yadah, we go on for almost 15 minutes and suddenly what do I hear? 'Duu nuu noooooo' a.k.a. the low battery alert for nokia phones. Looking at the screen confirms my worse fears on discovering that the battery life bar has only 1 bar left.


In fear of spending the rest of my day without a usable phone, I quickly end the call. Then as if by magic, half an hour later, I whip out my phone again to see that apparently ny jeans pockets have some sort of static current running through them as the battery indicator has suddenly gone up to 3 bars.


I've made up my mind, I'm going to get an iPhone 3GS. Even though it's gonna cost me a bomb. I really want NEED that phone. Oh, kinds souls looking for needy people in need of extra cash are kindly welcomed as sponsors too.


Quote of the Day 1


Anyhow written on Oct 7, 2009 at 1:47 PM

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Handwritten

Handwritten


Anyhow written on Oct 1, 2009 at 1:37 AM

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